Born in a snow bank amongst the cows and hippies in Oswego, NY, Dan was the only child of a “creative” Yankee Accountant and a full-blooded Cajun housewife. To the chagrin of his brother and sister, Dan was spoiled beyond belief, and nearly always got exactly what he wanted (like watching all three airings of Sesame Street and Mister Rogers each day, regardless of the fact that they were the same episodes.) Armed with the seminal teachings of Fred Rogers, Mister Hooper, and all three Gordons, Dan assailed the local school system with vigor. Roughly twelve years, five schools, any number of God-awful school dances, and the standard allotment of pimples and awkward kisses later, Dan was certified as “Grad-ye-a-ted” and was kicked to the curb with a New York State Regent’s Diploma (and $ .50 to buy a cup of coffee.)

Arbitrarily pulling the Worcester Polytechnic Institute (WPI) brochure from a pile of recruiting materials, Dan was off to the great state of “Taxachussetts” to become an engineer (and play football and lacrosse). Understandably puzzled by the dearth of locomotives on campus, Dan none the less decided to stick around, and enrolled in the Aerospace Engineering program. While at WPI, Dan (under the pseudonym Melvin P. Shirtsleeve) served as the rhythm guitarist for a flash-in-the pan garage band Titration Tim and the Stopcocks. But fame was fleeting, and after the disastrous “Give Band Beer” 1990 World Tour, the group disbanded. When a nasty knee injury (mercifully) ended his football career, Dan took the opportunity to intern at Pratt & Whitney Aircraft in Middletown, Connecticut as an Assembly Engineer. Dan was legendary for his ability to put $6 million dollar aircraft engines together with plenty of left over parts, saving the company hundreds of dollars. While in Connecticut, Dan began his football coaching career, guiding the Haddam-Killingworth Cougars to a stellar 0-6-1 record, which was just a portent of things to come.

Right around this time, the Soviet Union collapsed, effectively ending the Cold War. This occurrence, while considered a Godsend to most of the free world, dealt a tremendous blow to the Aerospace Industry. With the job market for engineers in a shambles, Dan did what any reasonable unemployed person with a $60,000 education from WPI might do, he moved back to Oswego, and started driving a beer truck. Soon after his return, Dan won his wife Kim in a high stakes game of gin rummy.

Armed with his impressive resume outlining his experience as a deliveryman and commercial and residential carpenter, Dan managed to somehow finagle his way onto the City of Oswego payroll as a Computer Systems Analyst. But, alas, in 2000, a new Administration was elected in Oswego, and Dan, devoid of any compromising Polaroids of the Mayor or his staff, was once again unemployed. After interviewing for the position of Syracuse University’s Head Basketball Coach (apparently it’s taken), Dan was offered and accepted the position of Online Coordinator at Syracuse University Continuing Education. In 2003, Dan's world was turned upside down with the arrival of his highness Samuel Joseph. While the boy is fun to have around, Dan is understandably puzzled by the lad's blonde hair and blue eyes. (Come to think of it, the Clarks' Mailman has blond hair and blue eyes, hmmm. -ed.) Inspired by the words of John B. L. Soule (not, as it turns out, Horace Greeley), the Clarks decided to 'Go west, and grow up with the country.' Hampered by a faulty compass, Dan wound up in West Hartford Connecticut as the Academic Technology Manager at Saint Joseph College; A small, all girls Catholic school. The Vatican was not amused. After about 14 months in Connecticut (spent mostly in traffic), The Clarks could no longer withstand the Call of the Wild (er, West), and Dan accepted his current position: Director of the Office of Instructional Design at Valley City State University, Valley City North Dakota (yes, THAT North Dakota). In the fall, Dan is well known for his Madden-esque ranting and raving on the sidelines as a High School football coach.